I met with a minister today. I guess I need to know what's on the other side. I'm worried that I'll know I'm gone and I will be able to see Greg mourn. She scared me when she we are born alone and we die alone. I don't want to be alone. My moods are all over the place. From fear to anger and now jealousy. Jealous that people are able to go on with their lives, plan vacations, complain about their sports team losing a game. All while I am scared of dying. They get to walk away. I don't.

Day 3

It's peritoneal cancer late stages. The gyn/onc would not give me a prognosis. Just as well, I don't want to know. I spoke to my hairdresser and had five inches cut. I'm crying about the change already.  I've read that it's easier to do it in stages. It's not. I've been telling people a little at a time. Some of my friends obviously don't know what to say, they have become more unreachable when I need them the most. My brother texted my husband for a bit last night. They keep telling me I can do this and that I'll be ok. Maybe they were texting how they really feel to each other. This has become all consuming. It affects every decision, even past ones. Why did I purchase a new winter coat? I may  never use it. What is the point of looking for new carpeting I might not enjoy. How do people live with his hanging over them?????   Even if in remission, the thought has to always be there! Where do I find the strength I will need? Every person I have spoken to has told me I need to remain positive. I know they are trying to help. I've said the same things to others. But it really is a stupid thing to say. I will be calling my brother's minister. My mom spoke to her regularly. My mom needed to know what was on the other side. I've thought for a while that there is nothing. Now I'm hoping I'm wrong. I don't think I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of knowing when it will happen, like Jane did, lying in bed and actually knowing and saying good by. Ok.....here comes a panic attack.

I was diagnosed with cancer today. It's a long story for another day. But it was totally  unexpected. So much stuff it's going on in my head. I have felt ill for so long. Diagnosed with depression 40 years ago, it sent me to the edge of a nervous breakdown in 1988. And when my youngest brother Bob died in 2011, I entertained thoughts of ending it myself, but I couldn't do that to mom. When mom became so demanding, and then so ill, I held it together with prescription nerve pills. But for the last year and a half.....I have been unhappy enough to not want to be here anymore. I've been strangely calm today. And that scares me. I don't know my prognosis just yet, but I can't help thinking my husband is going to be growing old alone. I'm not sure what to do first, after scheduling necessary appointments. My husband called his parents. They didn't want to talk to me. I found that disturbing. Whatever. The call to my living sibling was difficult. Jim just had a tumor removed from his brain sheath. Not cancerous, but it has been there long enough to cause some problems. He had just come back from his follow up when I have him my news. He told me he was sorry and then got very quiet. When  I saw him yesterday, he told me he doesn't think he's going to be one of the longer living members of the family. He may very well outlive me. I hate to do that to him. There are a thousand things in my head. Everything that will need to be put on hold while I fight..if I fight....if it's fightable. Since I lost my job, I have been tackling things. The laundry room is half painted. I had to stop due to the laparoscopy recovery period. The attic was next on my list. I need new glasses...the coating is coming off the lenses. And this was to be the year I finally got my feet fixed. Walking pain free has been a dream of mine for years. I'm angry that cancer is going to steer me so off course. My husband and I have to talk about things he doesn't think we need to. But we have no burial plots, no will. He doesn't know how to care for my birds, or when I celebrate the cats birthdays. I need him to know how to access my Facebook, and a depression support group that I  access. He needs to know where I keep the bank book that I  started with the money my mom left me. I wonder if he'll miss me. This is a valid concern because we often torture each other with threats of divorce. I wonder if he'll remarry. I wonder if I'll have pain in the end. My mother had more pain than usual ever saw in my life. I wonder if I'm going to feel like fighting.