Day 3

It's peritoneal cancer late stages. The gyn/onc would not give me a prognosis. Just as well, I don't want to know. I spoke to my hairdresser and had five inches cut. I'm crying about the change already.  I've read that it's easier to do it in stages. It's not. I've been telling people a little at a time. Some of my friends obviously don't know what to say, they have become more unreachable when I need them the most. My brother texted my husband for a bit last night. They keep telling me I can do this and that I'll be ok. Maybe they were texting how they really feel to each other. This has become all consuming. It affects every decision, even past ones. Why did I purchase a new winter coat? I may  never use it. What is the point of looking for new carpeting I might not enjoy. How do people live with his hanging over them?????   Even if in remission, the thought has to always be there! Where do I find the strength I will need? Every person I have spoken to has told me I need to remain positive. I know they are trying to help. I've said the same things to others. But it really is a stupid thing to say. I will be calling my brother's minister. My mom spoke to her regularly. My mom needed to know what was on the other side. I've thought for a while that there is nothing. Now I'm hoping I'm wrong. I don't think I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of knowing when it will happen, like Jane did, lying in bed and actually knowing and saying good by. Ok.....here comes a panic attack.